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The Warrior and the Pacifist

One of the many dichotomies I live with

I like to describe myself as a pacifist. Never in my current life have I ever struck another human being — not even as a kid. Not many humans can claim that they have never struck another human. But I can wholeheartedly make that claim. I am a true pacifist. But, in truth, that is not me. That is a sub-personality of me. With this story I hope to explain that.

In the Western Christian World the notions of reincarnation and karma are poo-pooed as utter nonsense. I have had far, far too many mystical experiences to fall in step with that prevailing thinking. I know (as opposed to believe) that we all have many faces (other lives) and those faces impinge upon our current lives. All of us have sub-personalities that are created from the karma created from our other lives.

Like everyone, I have several sub-personalities that came into existence not only from the residual karma from other lives but also from experiences in my current life. Psychiatrists make the big bucks by digging deep into our psyches to discover these sub-personalities and trying to deal with them. Of course, they will never acknowledge that the origins of some of these sub-personalities may have come from impingements from other lives and experiences and accumulated karma from those other lives. That’s just new age hokum.

Like most humans, I have had hundreds (if not thousands) of other faces or other lives. I prefer not to use the term, past-lives, because I tend to view linear time as left-brained hokum. It’s an illusion.

Of those hundreds of lives I have thus far only been able to connect to and investigate a few dozen of them. But they were (are) the ones in which the karma was developed that helped to create certain sub-personalities that exist in and influence my current life.

They are particularly important in the formation of two of the most major sub-personalities influencing my current life. These two particular sub-personalities I call, The Warrior and The Pacifist.

I have lived a few lives as a pacifist but there was one particular life in which I was an extreme pacifist. I was a Buddhist monk living in Japan around a thousand years ago (viewed by linear time). Pacifism was a concept that I took to the extreme in that life right up to the very end. I ended that life with an extremely heinous non-pacifist act. (Suicide.) I spent a life dedicated to extreme pacifism but ultimately I failed to learn the true full nature of pacifism and the resulting karma of failing to do so was born with me in my current life.

I have also experienced several lives as a warrior (the opposite of a pacifist). In one particular life (in the 1800s according to linear time) I was a Native American warrior. The peaceful life of our tribe was shattered by the invasion of countless White People who invaded our land and proceeded to attempt to exterminate us and our way of life.

In reaction to this invasion I became the fiercest warrior that I could possibly be. My tribe was brutally attacked by these invading White People. My brother was killed by them. My daughter was killed by the small pox disease the White Christian missionaries intentionally introduced to us through the infected blankets they gave us as “gifts of love.”

The millions of bison that roamed our land and were our food staple were decimated. Our encampments of teepees were assaulted by the White army in the early morning hours while we slept and our teepees were burned and our horses were stolen and our women and children were killed and raped in profoundly brutal fashion.

An incredible hatred grew within that me. I proceeded to kill every White person I ever came into contact with. I was utterly fearless on the battlefield. I killed hundreds and hundreds of White people. I was a killing machine. I was a fearless, unstoppable warrior.

And the karma from that Native American warrior coalesced into the sub-personality I call, The Warrior, which became part of me in this “current” life. A big part of that karmic sub-personality was a deep hatred of White people and especially of the White Man’s Christian religion.

The karmic irony is that I was born into this life as a White man.

So I came into this current life with two diametrically opposed karmic sub-personalities, both of which were very, very strong.

Curiously, the most powerful and influential of these two karmic tendencies has been The Pacifist. Truthfully, I have always been scared to death of The Warrior. In this life I have always endeavored to subdue The Warrior and give all my energy and attention to The Pacifist.

I am not exaggerating in any way when I say that I have never struck another human being in this life. Even as a child I vehemently refused to engage in any physical violence whatsoever. I remember numerous incidents on the playgrounds of my youth when I stood up to a bully and said, “Go ahead and hit me but know that I refuse to hit you back.” What kid says such things?

But no fist ever touched my face. Every single bully backed down. They simply did not know how to react to a kid pacifist. My pacifism utterly neutralized them.

I remember once when I was in my early twenties. I was living in New Jersey at the time and I was out late at night partying with six black men. They were buddies of mine.

At some drunken point in the evening the six black men suddenly became polarized into two camps. They began screaming and cussing at each other. Physical violence was on the verge of breaking out between them. Like a total idiot I stepped into the middle of these fighting black men (all of whom were bigger than me) and I held out my arms and said, “Okay, you guys wanna beat each other up. Allow me to provide an alternative. Instead of beating each other up I will let you beat me up instead. I promise I will not fight back. You can take all your frustrations out on me instead of on each other.”

Those six black dudes immediately became still and quiet. I could feel all the tensions reside. After a long moment of silence they all started to laugh and several of them came up to me and hugged me and lovingly slapped me on the back. Someone said, “You goddam, mother-fucking, white-ass pussy, you!”

Violence was averted and suddenly everyone was friends again. What those big black dudes did not realize is how very, very close I came to peeing in my pants.

There was another time in my twenties when I was walking down a dark alleyway when I came across a big burly man beating up a woman. Without any fear, my pacifist sub-personality immediately took charge. I went up to the man and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around to face me. Pure rage was pouring out of him and spittle was dripping from his mouth.

And I said, “I don’t know what this woman did to you to provoke such rage. But instead of beating her up why don’t you beat me up instead? I promise I won’t fight back. You can take out all your frustration on me instead of her.”

In the man’s face I could see a profound transformation take place. All his rage seemed to evaporate. He looked at me for a very long moment then turned and walked away. The woman thanked me then ran away.

All my life I feared The Warrior inside of me. But over time I grew to fear The Pacifist inside me. That pacifist was sure to get my ass kicked and pulverized some day.

But luckily, it never has gotten me pulverized — at least not yet.

And then there was that one time my warrior came to life and my pacifist was nowhere to be found….

I was — you guessed it — in my twenties. My girlfriend of the moment had just dumped me and I did what any normal guy in his twenties did. I went to a bar and got drunk.

It was the first time I ever had a Long Island Iced Tea. I had about 9 or 10 of them. Damn, those are delicious drinks.

I finally left the bar and proceeded to the pay phone at the convenience store across the street. I intended to call a friend to come pick me up because I was too drunk to either drive or walk.

What I did not realize is that there was a nearby cop car with two police officers in it and those two police officers were watching me walk to the convenience store. I don’t remember it but apparently I stumbled while walking. And as I crossed the street I was almost hit by a few cars.

But I made it to the convenience store and I put a quarter into the pay phone. My buddy answered the phone and I was asking him to come pick me up when suddenly two large burly police officers appeared at my sides. Each of them grabbed one of my arms, yanking them behind me. Before I knew what was happening I was hand-cuffed. The handset of the phone dropped down, dangling from the payphone.

And that is when The Warrior inside me immediately took over. That Native American warrior that I had been in another life was never subdued until two white soldiers grabbed his arms and tied his hands behind his back. And then they killed him.

With my hands handcuffed behind me in front of the payphone in front of the convenience store, I essentially left my body and The Warrior took over. This, thankfully, was way back in the Seventies before tazers had been invented. Nowadays I would have been tazered into submission. But back then I could only be subdued with sheer, brutal human strength.

Both of those cops were way bigger than me but they were barely able to subdue me even though I was handcuffed. As soon as The Warrior took over my being I became like a bagged wildcat. I suddenly had super-human strength. I fought and fought and fought.

But with my hands handcuffed behind me, the cops eventually subdued me and threw me into their patrol car. The next thing I knew I was at the police station being thrown into a small padded cell.

That’s right, a padded cell. It was a four foot by four foot by four foot by four foot padded cell. All the four walls, the floor and the ceiling were all padded. It is where they put crazy people. There was no place to sit or lie down or pee.

That is when I realized that I desperately needed to pee. Those Long Island Iced Teas will run right through you. I banged on the door and yelled that I had to pee.

Finally, a cop came up to the outside of the door and yelled, “There’s a drain in the floor.”

I looked down and, sure enough, there was a drain in the middle of the floor so I peed into that drain. Then I got down onto the floor next to the drain I had just peed in and went to sleep.

And The Warrior slowly disappeared.

The next morning my buddy came and bailed me out of jail. (It was the only time I’ve ever been arrested.) I could not stop thinking about how The Warrior completely took over my being. I could still feel his presence even though it had returned to the shadows. I could still feel what he felt as he was being subdued. All it took was being handcuffed for The Warrior to completely take over.

I decided then and there that I would never let The Warrior out of its cage ever again. I could feel the karma that warrior carried with him and I decided to release it — if that was even possible. I had re-experienced the trauma that other self experienced and I never wanted to experience it again. I suddenly realized how much influence that warrior had over my life. He had come up in far more subtle ways previously but I had not recognized it because he had not come fully out of my shadows. But now that he had I wanted to be done with all that karmic energy.

Thanks to that episode I realized the living dichotomy that lived within me between The Pacifist and The Warrior. Most importantly, I realized that neither of those two karmic sub-personalities were “me.” They were the karmic residue that, unknowing to me, influenced my reactions. I realized that I could react from composite karmic influences or I could respond from that part of me that super-ceded karmic influences; that part of me that existed in the NOW instead of perspectives from the past or future. I realized that even though I have many faces, many lives in existence, the only one that truly matters is the one in this very present moment of the NOW.

That present moment of NOW is where MY power lies. The warriors and pacifists and many other sub-personalities are residues from other me’s. They are teachers and guides but it is only the current me who can transcend the karma and move beyond it. The power of choice is not fully taken except through that part of us that exists in the current moment of NOW. That is where all the parts of us become one and can be transcended, allowing us to discover and be our true self.

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved.

Written by

Earthling — Lifelong novelist & essayist —

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