No one who knew me as a child/teenager/young mother/older white guy would recognize me today. I’m not sure the real White Feather has ever emerged — at least in photography.

Ann, go back to your photo. Take an index card or blank piece of paper and cover up half your face. This is a test used for a long time — since the advent of photography. First, cover up the right side of your face in the photograph (which is the left half of your face). Look at the exposed half of your face.

Then cover up the left side of your face in the photograph (which is the right side of your face). You will discover that there are two distinct Ann’s. Each side of your face reveals a different aspect of what you project — a different aspect of your personality and ‘self.’

The right side of your face (the left side in the photograph) reveals a loving, compassionate, nurturing and very wise person. The left side of your face (the right side in photographs) reveals a loving, compassionate, nurturing and wise person who happens to be a total badass. Can you see the subtle difference?

Notice the positioning of the eyebrow and the clefts in the cheek from the smile. It’s like the other side of your face except raised to a badass level. And the eyeball seems more focused and intense. You can see ‘badass’ in this side or your face but not so much in the other.

The significant observation is that the majority of your purple hair is on the badass side of your face. Do you realize how perfect this is? Was it a conscious choice or a matter of accidental chance?

I hope you don’t think I’m some kind of weirdo. Seriously, you can do this sort of photo analysis on any photograph of a human. Try doing it on any photograph of a historic figure (and you might be freaked out).

An important thing to remember about this silly little photo test is that the left side of your face mirrors the elements of the right half of your brain while the right side of your face mirrors the elements of the left half of you brain. And, of course, the left half of your brain is the male side and the right half is your female side.

So, in summation, I can deduce from your photograph that your badassness stems from the female half of your brain. Why am I not surprised?

Personally, I have not allowed a photograph of me to be taken in well over a dozen years. I’m kind of like Crazy Horse in that regard. And I have never allowed a photograph of me to ever appear on the internet.

But if you study old photographs of me (the only ones that exist) and you employ this silly test with those photographs you will discover that the right side of my face (the male side) is that of a wise, loving, compassionate saint. And the left side of my face (the female side) is the face of a mentally disturbed psychopath. It’s one of the reasons I never allow anyone to take my photograph. It is truly alarming and scary.

The thing is, if you look at either hemisphere of my face nowhere will you see any hint of “badass.” And my long head hair on either side of the photograph is just as gray as the other side. Interestingly, the beard hair on the right side of my face (the male side) is ever so slightly grayer than on the left side (the female side). My beard is ever so slightly asymmetrical as far as color goes.

And don’t even get me started on the eyebrows. For some reason, the eyebrow hairs on the left side of my face are always sticking up for some reason (like Einstein or Jack Nicholson). The eyebrow hairs on the right side of my face are always subdued and neatly in place. I’m not sure what the hell that means.

In conclusion I have to say that in your photograph you look so damn young and so damn badass. I look neither — at least in terms of decades. What I am wondering is what I can do to look more badass. I’m afraid I will have to be more badass in order to look more badass. After all, it shows, right? I’m terribly afraid that the badass ship has sailed for me. All I can do is write interminably long responses to real badasses.