Neither one of my ex-wives were gourmet cooks. The only thing my first ex-wife knew how to cook was Hamburger Helper. The only thing my second ex-wife knew how to cook was toast.

Any potential third wife out there has absolutely nothing to live up to.

Except, perhaps, my own claims to gastronomical stardom.

But I’m not looking for a third wife. I’m not looking for anyone to step into my kitchen and screw everything up. I sure as hell am not looking for anyone to cook for me. I’ve been doing that for myself for many, many, many years and I am very particular how I like my food prepared.

I grew up with the belief that the way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach. I have cooked thousands, if not tens of thousands, of meals for women (and family), and I finally learned that my belief was a total load of bullshit.

Most women are extremely insulted when a man cooks for them. At least that has been my experience. They feel that their domain has been breached. They feel as though they are being insulted. Their feminine ego has been insulted and bruised. Nothing a man can do in the bedroom can make up for a gourmet meal they cook in the kitchen.

Any kids involved in the meal think differently but the adult females are always insulted. Always. Cooking a gourmet meal for a woman is always far, far, far more damaging and insulting than claiming one of your ex-wives was a gourmet chef. Claiming that you, yourself, are a gourmet chef, and providing the meal to prove it, is far, far, far worse.

After many decades in the kitchen as a man I have learned that the only true joy to be derived from cooking is from yourself. One cannot please or endear anyone to you through your cooking. It’s the biggest illusion in human relationships. The way to someone’s heart is not through their stomach. It’s through their heart. Food and cooking are nothing but a distraction.

Eating together can be a glorious thing — but only if someone else cooked the food.