Mostly by being confused. I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. I’ve been thinking about death all day. I’ve been wondering how I could have talked to someone full of life one day and that person being dead just a few days later. I’ve been wondering how for five days there were just a couple of walls separating me from a man who was dying and I wasn’t aware of it at any level (which led me to remember the deaths of other people I’ve known). I’ve also been thinking about my own death and how I would prefer to go. I’ve been thinking about that little girl who just lost her daddy. I freak out a little every time I see his truck still parked on the street. I’ve been thinking about his perspective; what he went through while dying and his experience after death.

By the way, everyone I’ve talked to today seems convinced that it was a suicide. So I’ve been thinking about suicide; something I’ve never been able to understand. I also learned that he was a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and had been in and out of jail since he was a teenager so I thought about how grateful I am that I did not take that path. I thought about how a man half my age could die with so much of his life still ahead of him. Thinking about death also led me to think about life, questioning myself about how fully I am living my own life. I also thought about the few times that I looked death square in the face in this life and realized that I haven’t thought about that in a long time. I came very close to dying 10 years ago and that radically changed my life but I don’t think about it anymore. Well, I thought about it today.

I could go on and on. Seriously, it’s been almost impossible to stop thinking about it. I’ve been dealing with it by reviewing all the thoughts and feelings that the event brought up in me. I think I needed to do that.

(Thank goodness for meditation and a nature walk. They were the only times I was able to calm the noggin.)