I have a rule. After I am finished writing something I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever read it aloud. If I do, that just ruins everything. (I have a horrible, off-putting outside voice. It can ruin anything that I read aloud.)

Once I read a story of mine to a group of about two dozen people. All but one of those two dozen people had already read my story before — silently in their noggins. Several people had told me that it was one of their favorite stories of mine and were very excited to hear me read it.

After I read the story everyone looked like they were ready to vomit. Several people told me that they loved the story and the voice in the story but that by reading it aloud I totally ruined it for them. A few of those people told me that I should never read my own writing aloud; that I should hire a professional voice actor for that. One person told me that it would have come across better if I had used American Sign Language and just kept my mouth closed.

And I have to agree with these people. In the past I have recorded myself reading my stories aloud and listening to it as I played it back I wanted to vomit, too. It was worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. Seriously, it was disgusting.

Once, a woman read aloud to me some writing I did and I was really impressed. Wow, I thought, that was some damn fine writing. If I had read it aloud to her she probably would have broken up with me.

So now I let my fingers do all the talking and I keep my mouth shut tight. It’s the only thing that allows me to keeping writing. It’s the only thing that prevents hurling — either mine or the listener’s.