I Am a Contrarian

Okay, I realize that not everyone has had a chance yet to guess the answer to my little quiz but I am going to go ahead and announce the winners….

…. in a minute.

First I will respond to some of the other responses.

, the reason Keira Knightley broke up with me is because I just did not provide the manly umph that she was looking for. She complained that all I wanted to do was stare at her mouth as she talked. I admit that’s true. I can watch her speak all day. I never made it past second base with her. I was caught in a run down between second base and third and was thrown out by the shortstop.

, I’m not sure who Ed Norton is and I’m really not a fan of Ben Affleck (or Afflac Insurance) but I read somewhere that Ben Affleck is a card counter and allegedly has taken a few casinos for significant amounts of money. I really don’t know if that is true. And I don’t care. I was merely throwing the name of a celebrity out there to further befuddle everyone. What I really want to know is why every Hollywood celebrity from Massachusetts is male.

, I’m afraid your guess was blatantly incorrect. Ever since I was a little kid numerous decades ago I have always fantasized about visiting the holy subcontinent of India. As a kid I devoured every book I could find in the library about India. I was utterly convinced that I had lived there before (at least a few times). Throughout the many decades of the rest of my life I have devoured books by Indian gurus. Back in the early years when I found out that the Beatles went to India to hang out with the Maharishi I was right there beside them — at least in my mind. I immediately went out and bought every George Harrison solo album. I almost felt like the fifth Beatle.

Sadly, the truth is that in this current life I have never once set my naked feet upon the soil of India. Visiting India, and any ashram there upon, remains an unfulfilled part of my “go to bucket list.” I remain forever jealous of Julia Roberts for having done so through Hollywood gimmickry.

At times I have fantasized about creating my own ashram here on Turtle Island. But then I realize that some weirdos might appear at my door wanting answers and that scares the shit out of me. I’d be throwing my privacy away.

So that brings me to announcing the winners of this silly little contest I accidentally created. And the winners are (so far); , , and . Yes, the correct answer is that I have never in my life owned a microwave oven. Seriously, I never, ever have.

I have seriously considered making a sign to hang up on the wall of my kitchen that reads, “This is a microwave oven-free kitchen!”

But seriously, who has time to make a sign? And furthermore, who the hell ever sets foot in my kitchen?

I did have my two itty bitty granddaughters over for lunch one day several months ago. I prepared for them a delicious and nutritious lunch that was not only organic and GMO-free but it also never saw the inside of a microwave oven. Would it have made any difference if I had told those two delightful little girls that their lunch was prepared microwave oven free?

Of course not! It certainly would not have made any difference to them. But it made a difference to me. I felt better about the lunch I served them.

I should point out that even though I have never owned a microwave oven in my entire life I have in fact used one. After all, I’m not a fucking Luddite. I once had a job where there was a microwave oven in the employee break room. I used it. When you’ve got a 15-minute lunch break it comes in handy.

But since then I have never put any food in my mouth that has been subject to microwaving. I almost never eat out for fear that the food I eat has been subjected to microwaving. How disgustingly weird am I?

So out of all those lies I told about myself in response to the query, “Ten Things You May Not Know About Me,” the one and only true thing is that I do not own a microwave oven and that I never use one.

When I first saw the copious amounts of “Ten Things You May Not Know About Me” articles appearing in my Medium feed I got nervous. What if someone tagged me? Thank God no one did. But to be prepared I decided to make a list on a note card. But I could only come up with 4 things no one knows about me that I was willing to share. (One of those 4 things I turned into an article; The Time I Ran For Office)

One of the other 4 things was the fact that I’ve never owned a microwave oven.

One thing most of my readers already know about me is that I am a Contrarian. For those unfamiliar with that religion it is made up of people who refuse to be just like everyone else. With much vanity I used to think I was the only member of that religion but it turns out I’m not.

So in trying to come up with a list of 10 unknown facts about me I realized that I just can’t do that. I can’t be like everyone else. I’ve got to be contrary to everyone else. I’ve got to be different.

That is when it hit me. Instead of 10 facts, how about 10 lies?

You know, lies can actually be very revealing. If all the Medium writers posted 10 lies about themselves we would actually learn a lot about those writers through the lies they told. Am I right?

For instance, even though I’ve never ridden a Bactrian camel from Kabul to Ulan Bator there is some truth hidden deep within that lie. For those who slept through geography class in school, Ulan Bator is the capital of Mongolia. For some inexplicable reason, as a child I was utterly fascinated by Mongolia. Maybe I had/have another life there or something. Who knows? But the truth is that throughout this current life I have had a very strong affinity for Mongolia. It remains on my top 10 ‘go to’ bucket list.

There is some truth hidden in the mentioning of bactrian camels as well but I won’t get into that now. Maybe I’ll write an article about that.

So you see, there is always a little bit of truth in lies and a little bit of lies in truth. But I’ve already written about that.

By the way, one of the four things I was able to come up with for my 10 Unknown Facts list has to do with nudity. And no, it has nothing to do with Keira Knightley. Keira Knightley wasn’t even alive yet back then.

Well, that’s enough for now.

Earthling — Lifelong novelist & essayist — https://whitefeather.substack.com/

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