If you only smoke one cigarette a year chances are good that you will enjoy the hell out of that one cigarette. But if you smoke more cigarettes the enjoyment with each one goes down and habit rears its ugly head.
But what if I had just two cigarettes a year? One during the first six months of the year and one for the last six months of the year?
Gosh darn, I hate calendars. I’m sure two smokes a year could be quite joyful but neither of them will be as ultimately joyful as one a year. It’s simple math.
So what about people who never smoke any cigarettes all year?
Well, they just don’t know what they’re missing.
So when was the last time you had a smoke?
Oh my. Let’s see… I think it was about three or four years ago. I don’t remember how I even got hold of a lone cigarette. Anyway, I went home with it to find that I had no lighters or matches in my home. I lit the thing on the gas stove. I singed one eye brow just a little bit. I sure enjoyed the hell out of that smoke.
So you haven’t kept up your one smoke a year deal?
Oh hell, that’s not my deal. I just made that up.
Why wouldn’t you want to “enjoy” one smoke a year?
Because I’m weak. Very, very weak. It’s like strawberries. It is literally almost impossible to eat just one… Oh, guess what? Speaking of fruit, The Western Slope peaches will be coming in next month. I am SO excited!
Western Slope peaches?
Yeah. They’re grown in the western half of Colorado. It’s weird but in Colorado peach trees only flourish on the westward facing slopes of the mountains.
Why only on the west side of mountains?
How the heck would I know? I’m not a horticulturalist. We all have our own personal direction. The way I figure it, long ago a large army of peach trees marched westward across Turtle Island. They were headed for San Francisco. They climbed up the eastern slopes of the Rocky Mountains and when they descended down the western slopes their feet got stuck. They sunk into the earth. They never made it to San Francisco. They could no longer march. They were stuck. But they were okay with that — overjoyed by that — because they fell in love with their new home. They’re so happy that they produce the most splendiferous peaches; the best peaches I’ve ever tasted. Seriously, you’ve got to try them. Your life will never be the same.
O… kay… So how many Western Slope peaches do you eat in a year?
Well, let’s see… They’re in season for about four or five weeks and during that time I will eat between three and eight peaches a day so you do the math. I’m no good at math.
Could you eat only one a year?
Oh hell no! And let me tell you… I get absolute maximum enjoyment equally from every one of those peaches. Peaches aren’t like cigarettes. You can eat as many as you want. You know how people will use the phrase, That’s apples and oranges, when in debate with other people? Well, I say, That’s cigarettes and peaches.
I’ve never heard you say that.
Boy, I can’t slip anything past you. Well, get ready to hear me say that a lot more… Seriously, you’ve got to try these peaches. They will rock your world. Oh, and by the way, whenever you eat a Western Slope peach you should always be standing or sitting facing to the west (around here anyway). That enhances the spiritual connections. That is why every time I eat New Mexico green chile I face to the southwest. When I eat jalapenos I face to the south. Direction is important. That’s the nice thing about us humans. Our feet aren’t stuck. We can move and turn in any direction we want.
That is certainly true! And… uh… Bye! (Departs stage left.)
Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.
Stories by White Feather
Speaking of discussions…